My Moon

A very personal poem in honour of this New Moon Supermoon in Aries...

I feel it in my fingers
I feel it in my toes
But this isn't a rhyme about love
This is how my moon goes.
Each month comes 
With a day of writhing in pain
An aching throughout my body
And emotions to make me feel insane.
Nausea sets in
And sometimes I vomit
Abdominal cramps and tension
Diahorrea tends to come with it.
This story I tell myself
Starts when I was fourteen
My moon finally arrived
But I was afraid for it to be seen.
It wasn't beautiful
I felt like a late-bloomer
Not womanly enough
For it to have started sooner.
For years I resented being a girl
Not wearing skirts and shaving my hair
Hating bras and high heels
Preferring Doc Marten Air Wair.
I was rebelling against nature
And what God had made me
Wishing I'd been born a boy
... And then I lost my virginity.
Suddenly I had more reasons
To resent womanhood and this monthly curse
If anything were to happen
It would affect me the worst.
I'd be the one to deal with
Any potential pregnancy
The guy could literally walk away
I'd be left holding the baby.
So in order to gain some control
I went on the Pill
But a daily dose of artificial hormones
Had me resenting it still.
And then when it came to sex
I had to beg them to wear protection?
Because there's no such thing as maintenance payments
For STDs or reproductive dysfunction.
Eventually I came off the Pill
After being detached from my natural cycle
I was so disconnected from my rhythms
But the pain returned in a flood not a trickle. 
After almost 5 years without
I'm now synced with the moon
But the pains don't seem to be shifting
Anytime soon.
Clearly I have some beliefs
That are deeply embedded within me
Resentment and conditioning to be healed
Around what a woman "should" be.
Perhaps I still don't feel like a woman
Maybe I'm angry about the injustice
The years of repression and patriarchy
That has brought us to this.
The complete imbalance
Of the masculine and feminine
We need to empower both aspects
The god/goddess within.
Maybe then I'll feel
Like the divinely fertile female I am
And my moon will be my friend
I'll be Samantha not Sam.