I feel a shift happening in my consciousness but it's as though my ego is fighting me every step of the way. I feel like running. But I know that won't solve anything. The truth is, right now, I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, what I need or even what I want. And for me, this "not knowing" is torture.
I've lost sight of the REAL me; the fun me, the me who laughs loudly and frequently, the curious me, the me who loves to be surrounded by friends, the playful me.
|Playful Samtosha :)|
I know all the things I "should" be doing: surrounding myself with people who care about me, doing the things that make me happy and making the most of being at the lake while I still have the chance. But frankly, I can't be bothered. My indifference is frustrating me and making me angry, which in turn makes me easily agitated and want to withdraw from social situations. This is making me feel isolated, disconnected and lonely. I'm stuck. I need help but I know no one can save me but me!
In the past when I've felt like this I have always changed something in my life - moved to a different house, town, or country, left my job or removed myself from an unhealthy relationship. Change has always been relatively easy for me to implement. However, none of these things are the problem right now, and this is why I'm struggling. Not too long ago, my response to this situation would be to get drunk, get high or find someone to have sex with... Or all three! I know this isn't the answer, but in the moment it made me feel better.
|Jim Beam in a can... classy.|
My friend Jimmy, who has been a dear friend of mine since I arrived at the lake, is an amazing artist and handpoke tattooist extraordinaire :) I have wanted an arrow tattoo on my left forearm for a couple of years now and he helped me design something very special.
My new magical amazing blazing arrow is a reminder that now is a time of contraction. A brief moment of absorption as I take in my surroundings, preparing to focus on what it is I want. All I need now is patience; as the minutes feel like hours, and the hours feel like days, all I need to remember to do is breathe!