Over the past few years I've really begun to embrace a life of fluidity, being more open to opportunities as they come my way, and only saying yes to the things I truly want to do. This has been eye-opening, humbling and liberating. It has also helped me to surrender and trust that I will be supported if I follow my heart.
You might think this has all been for nothing if you look at my current status:
- No romantic relationship
- No stable employment
- No home to call my own
Interestingly, none of this phased me... until 7 weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant.
My period was almost 2 weeks late, which was strange because for the past 6 months it had arrived exactly on the day of the full moon every time. I prided myself on how connected I was with my body and believed I would KNOW if I was pregnant! I'd also recently received a womb blessing, which I was told could affect my moon cycle, so I wasn't too concerned. But after a couple of friends suggested I take a test just to be sure, I went to the local Farmacia and asked for a "prueba de embarazo" (after using Google translate).
|Guatemalan pregnancy test|
Within seconds of two drops of my urine hitting the stick, two pink lines appeared. I waited the 5 minutes as directed, in case, you know... they disappeared?! But of course, they didn't. The test was positive.
|Two little pink lines|
My housemate and I stared at each other and laughed in disbelief. Was this actually happening? I decided to seek confirmation ASAP, so we hopped on a boat to San Pedro to try and see the doctor at the clinic. Once we got there I frantically tried to explain to the nurse in my terrible Spanish that my period was late and I might be pregnant. It worked. But I had to wait 3 hours to see the doctor... the longest 3 hours of my life!
The doctor spoke English - thank the Lord. After we established the date of my last period, he whipped out his ultrasound kit, asking me to remove my underwear while he lubed up his wand :) With my feet in stirrups, I watched the screen intently and saw a dark oval shape with a tiny grey peanut inside of it. I didn't need the doctor to tell me that this was my baby.
|The 6 week old peanut|
Measuring the size of the embryo the doctor dated the pregnancy at around 6 weeks, and with some quick mental arithmetic, this meant I'd likely conceived on April Fool's Day - ha. But this wasn't a joke, this was really happening.
The funniest thing was that as I accepted this information I was at peace. My mindset was, "Okay, let's do this" (talking to the baby). In a way I was relieved because now there was a reason behind the crazy emotional meltdowns I'd been having. I honestly thought I was going through a second puberty or premature menopause - that's how out of control I felt! So it was reassuring to know that what I was experiencing was relatively normal... for a pregnant woman!
Looking back I can see in that moment in the doctor's office, in the small town of San Pedro, Guatemala, everything changed. I had just got used to my role as the Wild Woman, but unknowingly had been flung into a new role as the Mother. Despite the situation being less than ideal, I felt honoured to receive such a gift from the Universe. I saw a blessing, not a curse. The rules of the game changed, but I'm going to keep playing.
Yes, it won't be easy. There will be good days and bad. I know this may seem fucking crazy to a lot of people, but to me it just feels right. I can't explain it - this is the call of my destiny.
"The call will not make sense. The call will not fit into what your culture and your history suggest you are supposed to do. The call will cost you money and time. And relationships... The call will want to make you wet your pants in fear... The call will demand stupid amounts of courage - and by that, I mean to say that the call will require the kind of courage that literally makes you look and feel stupid. Do it. That's your LIFE calling." - Elizabeth Gilbert.